I'm sad...

I'm happy...

I'm both.

All we are is dust in the wind.

Remember that song? Kansas?

Or Terry Jacks, "Seasons in the Sun"?

They're so depressing... and so happy at the same time.

That's how I feel right now... elated and depressed at the same time... stuck in the middle. Death seems too mild and living seems too extreme. A massive sandstorm followed by numbness and a brief, blinding moment of sunshine.

I have always loved duality. Sun/moon, dark/light, good/evil... these things have always fascinated me and drive me everyday. I really love extremes especially: if it's snowing, I want a blizzard. As the old Morton Salt saying goes, "When it rains it pours." I think perhaps I get that from my mother - she was always saying how she wouldn't move to another place because she would miss the seasons.

I am no stranger to good and bad days... I relish the opposites and I think something inside of me needs that kind of balance (everyone does).

Lately tho, I have had a whole lot more bad days than good. My life actually kinda sucks right now. As a person close to me always says, "Can't win for losing." I am being crushed by pressures from all sides, and they are definitely keeping me awake at night.

I'd like to say "oh they'll get better" but I'm not sure they will.

Since I was born I have had one main mission: share the stuff that's in my head with the rest of the world. Which is actually a very narcissistic thing to do... To think, the rest of the world needs to hear what I think or feel. Like they don't already have their own problems.

Regardless, I am that narcissistic, I suppose, and I think I do have something to say.

I'm just having a bit of difficulty finding my voice.

So bear with me, as I clear my throat...